Saturday, July 01, 2006

I'm Fucked !

I need a little support here .
This week was my 4th wedding anniversary . It was also my wife's birthday . Now you'd think I'd remember those things , considering they also fall on the same date June 29th ? But noooo ! Guess what I forgot ! I woke up on Thursday rolled over and saw my wife standing beside the bed , "Hi honey , happy anniversary" ! " Ahh Ya happy anniy...ah and happy birthday hon..." . She looked into my eyes and gave me a big kiss . That's not all she had a card , for me ! The flop sweat hit me hard ."Hey beautiful I didn't have time to pick-up anything so I'll do it today , K sweetie" ? Have you ever felt a card rifled at you from a pissed off woman ? Believe me it 'smarts' ! Man can that woman swear , oh curses I've never uttered ! But the one she always came back to was "ASSHOLE" !

I get that a lot , from my best friends , to people I barely know . I'm known as the "Asshole" ! I used to take great offense to it , I'd pound the shit out'a anyone who ever spoke that compound word to me ! Now I wear it as a badge . "A Badge Of Honour" !

RE Hash : Are You A Triple 'A' Personality ?

Do you know what a triple A personality is ? It stands for Astoundingly Astute Asshole ! Or in layman's terms amazing witty dick !

Do people dislike you and ya can't figure out why ? Do you at party's find yourself thinking "I hate these shit-heads" , "These people are fuck'n lame brains" ? Do you have an answer to everyone's problems , even when you don't care or don't think ya know the answer ? Do you have a whole whack of unusable information ? Do you know way to much info on world , celebrity , and personal affairs ? Do you have perfect recall ? Do you have an answer to unanswerable questions ? When lectured at school or work can you repeat verbatim what the person just taught you ? Is "da wife's" nick-name for you , "Asshole" ? Do you have a blog ? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions you are a AAA person !

So ya guessed it ! Da Wallycrawler is a total triple A person ! I'm that guy or gal ! I'm the guy people run away from after 10 min. of meeting him . Unless your drunk or stoned , then I'm your God ! I've had drunk gals and guys say , "Man I always thought you where a dick , man your so f'n cool" ! Then the next day , after sobering up , avoid me like the plague . This is to say ya don't have to be smart to be AAA , [ fuck I'm not that's for sure !] ya just have to be "kind of different" . The way my brain works is waaaay different than other peoples brains work . The only person I can think of who is just like this and most people would know is "Cliff Clavin" of "Cheers" fame [ ya know the TV show in the 80's ]. Just thinking about that character puts shivers down the backs of every normal person . Could you imagine relating to this guy ? I related to him . It's not that he's a bad guy , it's just that he's so fuck'n annoying . The no-it-all fucker . The guy people ask questions of , get the answer from and then roll their eyes . Some of the time it's shear utter crap . Some of the time it's just mind numbing drivel . Most of the time it's right on ! So here's the real problem being this guy . "ALL PEOPLE HATE THE TRUTH" ! Or at least the truth as I know it .

I'm the go too guy at work . I have customers and managers come to me every day to fix their problems or get answers to their projects . I know , at your work too ! Not at the extent it happens to me though . When I give them the answer , they fuck'n hate it ! It's right , but they fuck'n hate it ! The response is " That's not what I was told" , or "Can't I do it this way" ? "Well no you can't , that's not the right way" or "No that's against code" . They hate that reason the most , cause they can't argue against something they don't know about . I can , I'm Triple A ! If you pretend to know something I know about [ everything ] LOOK OUT . Most people who are like that are look'n for the cheap way out . Not with me I'll have buy'n everything in the fuck'n store ! If you fuck with me I'll fuck with you twice as hard , I'm a total asshole ! I can make a house inspector do somersaults and I have ! Customers who have had their plumbing licenses for years come to me for their answers . I don't have a plumbing licence and fucked if I want one . It's just I have total recall for lame fuck'd up shit . Now ask me my friend's wife's name and I'm lost . That's the worst thing about being Triple A , ya just don't care about anyone else . That could be a good thing too , remember I'm AAA ! I'm not bragging this is just some scenarios [ fuck-off ass ] . Why would I brag about plumbing or home improvement ? I hate the shit! It bores me to tears .

Now it comes the time why I wrote this post . I came out to you all because I know , you know I'm an asshole . I came out to help all my AAA friends and family [ it's usually genetic ] . I came out so people like me will come out and embrace your "assholedom" . Please people if you are an asshole come out , come out now . Tell your family and friends [ they already know anyway ] . Tonight before bed look in the mirror and ask yourself am I an AAA ? When you come to terms with it , go to your computer and make a comment in my blog . I can help you ! I will give you guidance with coming to terms to being a asshole . If you know your a no-it-all asshole , here is my best advise "KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT YOU FUCK"N ASSHOLE" ! Enuff said . Good Night My Little Assholes From Da Wallycrawler .

"I know , I know that's not what a real triple A personality is . It a highly intelligent highly organized , highly motivated person . Einstein was a AAA . Give it a brake will ya , it's just a story . Fuck ! What a fuck'n asshole you are" !!!

"The Flaming Lips" are for my wife . This song always makes her cry . She kissed me and thanked me !
That's another good thing about being an 'AAA' , You'll always find a way out've it !

19 Don't Just Sit There Say Sumthin !:

Les said...

During my first marriage I purposely didn't say anything to my husband on our anniversary until it was about 9:30 at night and the stores were all closed. I wanted him to feel like a real ass when he realized he had forgotten our 1st anniversary. Turns out he WAS a real ass, a big one. Funny, he used to say he was an asshole, I think he may have worn it like a badge. I'm sure you are much nicer though.

The Phosgene Kid said...

You're looking at some major jewelry action to get you back in her good graces - none of that cheap home shopping network crap, either.

L>T said...

wally I suspected you were an "AAA" asshole all along but, i didn't want to say anything to hurt your feelings because i am a "SAP" or super affable person.
Everybody likes me. :)

I would agree with your wife that you are an asshole, to make her feel better. I never forget really important dates like birthdays & Anniversarys.

L>T said...

P.S. Fucked is prob. not what you are going to get. :)

Die Muräne said...

haha, I still can remember this post! I was laughing my ass of.

Hey how the fuck could you forget her birthday and your anniversary?? You're such a huuuuge asshole, Wallycrawler!! hahaha!!

wallycrawler said...

Les it sounds to me that your a little bit of an ass . But that's OK ! Embrace it !

Ya Kid I'd do that if I wasn't an asshole , but I am , sooo...Noth'n and like it !

I>t I never get fuck'd by the wife anymore , she's my wife she doesn't lay me regular . That's why I'm f'n blog'n or ride'n my bike ! Last week , at the beach 2 eighteen year old young things tried to pick-me up . "Hi , nice bike , wanna take us for a ride" ? Man , instant wood ! I put my helmet on and rode away . I felt like puking !
I>t this is a personal question ! A friend of my wife's , came up to me the other day and said "You must have a huge cock to get away with the shit you do and your wife bought you that Harley" . "How can you constantly get away with all this shit" ? Now the question . Does she want to fuck me , or what ?

Die Murane , takes one , to know one ! LOL .
I told ya before I can't remember shit !

L>T said...

Jimminy christmas!!
Since I am a SAP I'll try to acommodate you.

Speaking from personal experience I think most women like to (pardon the french) fuck assholes, occasionally. But, not all the time.

A friend of you wife's, if it was a woman friend? Sounds to me loke she was trying to put the make on you because she heard you were a asshole.

if it was a guy friend of your wife? maybe that's why your not getting any. She found another asshole.

Hope that helps :)

wallycrawler said...

Naw , it was a gal . She's a bitch ! Hot look'n but I wouldn't do her . Besides I love my wife . I'm an asshole but I'd never fuck one of her "so-called" friends .

I like strippers !Hehehe...

L>T said...

Yep, lots of guys like strippers. Why is that, pray tell?
(I'm asking you because you are an asshole & will tell it like it is ;]

wallycrawler said...

Naked , young , nibble , females , pretending to like you...And ya have'ta ask ?

L>T said...

Ok, I get that.
But, you don't get to have sex with them. What do you do? go home & have sex with your wife & pretend she's one of them?

wallycrawler said...

Ummm..I used to have sex with them , now I just have fun with "da Boyz" , shoot pool and feel good when some young thing hits on me .

So ya I go home and shag da wife !

Keshi said...

OMG Wally, I hope u will never be FORGIVEN, NEVER! lol!

I missed u too mate HUGGGGGGGGZ! Im bakk now :)


L>T said...

well, I has trying to rile you, but it didn't work. :) maybe, you are not such an ass after all.

wallycrawler said...

Hey Keshi , Hi Beautiful , how was the holidays ? She has forgiven me and this week-end we went to dinner on Friday night (Steak and lobster) and Saturday night (Italian)! She's now a happy and full woman again .

I>t I'm had to rile-up , but once I'm riled , LOOK OUT ! I'm a
"Looney Tune" ! Years of Martial Arts training has finally calmed the savage inside the "Crawler" !

L>T said...

ok spiderman.

Jill said...

Happy Anniversary! :) Next year, I'll remind u. lol.

wallycrawler said...

I>t , you doubt me ? LOL .

Jill something tells me your not going to be blog'n next year , I could be wrong , but I don't think so . If you are , come back to Toronto .
Next year I'll definitely , definitely remember !

Keshi said...

I know she wud have forgiven u duhhhh :) Good on ya!