Sunday, April 26, 2009

I'm Back...

...I Don't Wanna Be...But, I'm Back.

Sa Later.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Smart Car = Stupid Car: Again!

They have their benefits, among them affordability and fuel efficiency, but when it comes to how they stand up in crash tests, small cars don't fare very well in crashes with larger vehicles.
The U.S. Insurance Institute for Highway Safety looked at 2009 versions of the Smart "fortwo," the Honda Fit, and the Toyota Yaris, and found that drivers in those vehicles could sustain significant leg and head injuries in front-end crashes with mid-size vehicles.
Automakers argued that the tests simulated high-speed crashes rarely seen on the roads.
When gas prices surged in 2008, sales of small cars jumped as well. Not only do they cost less - on average US$12,000 to $18,000 - they're also good on gas.
The tests involved head-on crashes between the "fortwo" and the 2009 Mercedes C Class, the Fit and a 2009 Honda Accord, and the Yaris and the 2009 Toyota Camry.
In the fortwo crash, the Smart car went airborne after striking the C Class, which weigs about twice as much. The fortwo's interior was badly damaged and the driver could have faced serious leg and head injuries. The C Class didn't sustain much damage.
A Smart USA spokesperson noted that the test simulated a "rare and extreme scenario" and the fortwo has in the past received strong ratings from the U.S. government's crash test program.
The test involving the Honda Fit saw the dummy's head strike the steering wheel through the air bag. Once again the Fit's structure didn't stand up as well against that of the Accord. Honda reps said more or less the same thing as Smart USA - that the test represented extreme conditions and that all 2009 Hondas had received top scores from the Insurance Institute.
The Yaris test was more of the same - in the crash with the larger Camry, the smaller car sustained more damage and the driver dummy showed signs of head and leg injuries. A Toyota spokesperson said the car-to-car crash didn't have much relevance to consumers because of the severity.

Tell that to this guy!

It's come to my attention that the car above is not a "Smart", but a Volkswagen "Fox". They both have similar features. So I'm sorry about that... BUT...They both have very similar crash test outcomes also... So take it what ya may.
Take a look at the top and see it get it's face filled in by a "C Class" Mercedes Benz! Does that make ya feel better?

Wally Logic:

As for the European And Asian Automakers saying accidents don't normally happen like that. "Only extreme conditions"! We live in North America. It's a very vast area. Most people I know drive 200km a day, on super fast highways. Every day is an extreme day! Maybe if we lived across the road to go to work and walked down the street to shop? Then these cars could be practical? They're not in our countries. EVER!

I garnetee insurance will go up on smaller cars even more than before after these results are published . So goodbye to your savings!!! Shit these cars don't even save that much on gas! Look at the real stats on these cars and you'd be surprised on the saving. 2 to 10 mpg average savings. Is 10 mpg worth your life? Plus da "Smart" uses diesel the most caustic, cancer causing, fuel in da world!

We don't need smaller cars. We need to change the resources we use in our favour.

40 mph get'cha's a wheel chair! At Best!

Enuf said.
Go'n on holiday fer a few weeks. Hope everyone has a great spring. I'm go'n surf'n!
Sa Later Wallycrawler.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Da Gospel Accord'n To Da Guy In Da Black Hat.

So some people believe Judas Iscariot was a wronged man eh? That's surprising especially if he was the man writing the scripts. Who'd have thunk it? "Hey Judas ya just turned in da "Son 'O' God what ya gonna do now"? ((("I'm go'n to Disney World "!))) "Then Kill Myself".

It's Funny that every year around this time, Good friday and Easter, some amazing document comes along proving Jesus was not the Son 'O' God. This time it's Judas's turn.

Well, as ya all know? I'm one of da lucky ones. I have da power to talk with the dead. I've interviewed some of history's greatest and most infamous men. I've chatted with Hitler, dined with Lennon, (John, da other one's a total asshole!). Shared tea with Belushi...on and on... As some of you are aware. I've had da pleasure of talking to Judas before. But... As of last night, he wouldn't answer any of my calls. He's still mad that I told everyone about his gay romance with Jeffrey Dahmer.

So here's my old interview with Judas. This is an old transcript so some of the interview is kinda disjointed, but I think you'll get his message?

Wallycrawler : Hey Jude! How ya do'n buddy?

Judas: "I wish I could say better Wally. Last night Genghis Ghan and Joe Stalin double anal raped me again"! "That fuck'n Stalin all he wants ta do is fist fuck, fist fuck, fist fuck. That stuff never gets old ta him".

Wally: Oww! OK then... Tell me what's Hell is like Jude?

Judas : "You'll find out Wally"! "Just kidd'n". "Your OK bud". "Ya know endless suffering, pain, da heat is fuck'n murder and of coarse ya get fuck'd in every orifice". "I was once fornicated by a bull in my urethra" !

Wally: WOW I bet that smarts!

Judas: "Ya"!

Wally: Judas what happened on that last night with Jesus? Why did you turn the Messiah into Ponchus Pilot?

Judas : (obviously nervous) "Ya see? Jesus wanted to be turned in man"! "He wanted ta die on dat cross, OK?.... Right, that's it`OK". "Ya that resurrection thing? Didn't hap'n man..See see"? "I know cause I was dare, brotha". "Yup dat's it"! "Some guys think I off'd me-self before dat, nope"! "I waited til I seen me work"...

"Ya he wasn't da messiah anyhow, he was a, a... a carpenter, see? And a shitty one at dat"! " Did ya ever see that stereo stand he made me"? "Fuck'n sux"!

Wally: So Jesus wanted to be turned in to the authorities? OK I see! Why?

Judas: "Fame Man, Fame"! "Dat guy was all about da fame, see"! "He makes Geraldo look like Gandhi"! "He had all da boys (apostles I guess) write good stuff about him, man" . "Like he could, like walk on water and stuff like dat dare"!

Wally: Anyway he wanted to die so he'd be famous?

Judas : "Ya man sure. Da fame Dude"! "What a fuck'n ego he's got"!

Wally: If that is true why are you in hell? How come your not in heaven? All the other apostles are now saints and they have the number one best selling book in the last 2000 years? Except for "Private Parts" of coarse!

Judas: "Hey man I fuck'd up man"! "I went and killed me-self". " If I didn't do that , see , I'd be da frig'n Messiah". "Ya I'd be the Messiah. an Jesus would be a faded memory, that's it"! "Fuck man, if I didn't off me-self I'd be God`s boy, ya that's da ticket!

"I've read Private Parts and dat guy's gonna get fisted too"! "Satan can't wait til gets his hooves on dat guy"!

Wally: Is there any evidince out there to prove you were doing what God and Jesus wanted?

Judas: "Yup, about 400 years after I croaked some monks wrote some way-out scripture proving I was a cool dude".

Wally: How would that prove you were righteous?

Judas: "What da fuck ya want with me Fuck-Head"? " If you just find dat papayas, da answers are dare, see"?

Wally: OK...OK... I'll pass that info along! One last question Jude, what did you do with the gold you received?

Judas: "Whores man! Whores and loads of booze"! "Dat Jesus guy wouldn't ever let us get laid man"! ``He was hung up on sex dude``.

Wally: Well I hope it was all worth it to you?

That was my interview with Judas Iscariot, former apostle, crude folk hero and all`round rat-bastard.

For transcripts see below.

Thank You The Wallycrawler .

Monday, April 06, 2009

Remembering Sam Kinison Again

..." Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the FUCK out of everybody!"-Sam Kinison

I'm at home sick, again. God I hate being sick I'm the biggest baby when I'm ill. I will just curl up in a ball in front of the fireplace and watch TV. My wife can paint a room, cut the grass, do the laundry, wash the floors and make dinner... All with a temperature of 101! How do women do that? Us men are such babies! I'm the biggest baby. Anyway today I decided to watch a old video, something I haven't seen for a while. I searched around awhile and pulled out a piece of gold. "The King'O'Stand-Up Comedy"... Samuel Burl Kinison. (((OH OH OHHH!))). If you don't know who Sam is stop reading now... OK most everybody is still here right? Sam Kinison was the funniest man ever that stood on stage with a microphone. There were other great stand-up's: Richard Pryor, George Carlin, Bill Cosby and of course the best on his time George W. Bush... None of them could hold a candle, (what does that mean anyway?) to Sam. The first time I saw Kinison was on "Rodney Dangerfield's Young Comedians Special" on HBO l. Rodney had seen this crazy comic on the circuit and he blew his mind. Rodney really had a knack at finding and promoting comedians. Sam was one of many stand-up's Rodney had discovered in his lifetime, including Roseanne Barr, Jerry Seinfeld, Brad Garrett, Jim Carey...on and on... But Sam was his favorite discovery. Mine too.

Kinison said things and did things on and off stage that are truly memorable. A prime example would be; when Sam and his first wife were involved in a fight the night before he was going on a long road trip. His wife arouse the next morning, all bright and cheerful. She pretended to make up with him, stating; "I'm sorry baby , I love you baby", she packed his bag & proceeded to hide a loaded .38 in his luggage. Nice eh?

Ahh... When Sam got out of jail.... His wife had cleaned out the house and left him penniless. "There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’—Sam Kinison 1988. Priceless !

When I herd him tell that story for the first time I nearly pissed myself! It goes to show ya, never let anyone touch your bags especially the woman your screwing around on! "The Wild Thing" was Sam's badge, a moniker that was well deserved. Sam started living with a "scream'n hawt" model Malika Souiri and then was caught boffing her equally as "smoke'n" sister Sabrina. Instead off getting his balls cut off, he talked both of them into setting up house with him. WA DA FUCK!!! Ya that was Sam. How do you do that? Please tell me! Another funny antidote in his short career was the time Sam was flown out from Los Angles to New York to tape the "Joan Rivers Show", on her dime! He was just got out'a rehab. That morning he stopped by his best friends radio show..." The Howard Stern Show ". Howard was teasing him all morning, " Hey your not very funny since you quit the booze Sam"! Unfortunately Howard's ribbing was really what Sam thought down deep...He couldn't be funny without the aid of alcohol and drugs. Kinison went to the dressing room grabbed a liter of champagne & downed it. He got drunker & drunker as the show went on. He was also getting funnier and funnier. That day he didn't show up for his date on the "Rivers Show". Rivers was fucking pissed at Sam for fucking her show and her audience over. She had a whole hour devoted to him. She was going to introduce him as the next "Big Thing"! Joan Rivers was not going to stand for that, she had a studio full of people and no other guests booked. So she and her camera crew descended on to Sam's hotel suite and banged on his door; " Sam are you in there "? "Why didn't you show up"? "Are you drunk again"? Now that's some funny crazy shit! Sam had that effect on most women, he'd fuck them and then they would fuck him even harder.

From his exploits with Jessica Hahn to his stunts on "Saturday Night Live", everything in his life and on stage, was full of risk and danger. When Sam went out for dinner wait staff would fight to serve him. He was a notoriously heavy tipper. If the bill came to a thousand bucks he would tip a thousand. Kinison never did anything small. His drug indulgences would attest to that. But through all of this Sam never lost sight of his inner self. In his former profession he was a revival preacher. When Sam would fall off the wagon or lose his way, Sam would always came back to God. In Sam Kinison's last days he started preaching again. Ironically, while on route to a show in Las Vegas, April 10th. 1992, Sam Kinison was killed by a drunk driver. Sam's last words were "I 'm not ready", looking up at the sky he seemed to come to terms with what was stated back,"OK...OK...OK...OK...". His last word's are one of the most quoted ever.

Sam Kinison was a great comic mind and I couldn't ever give him justice by writing any of his bits, so I'll recommend one of his DVD's: "Breaking The Rules" pure gold !!! Also the biography "Brother Sam" by Sam's real bother, Bill Kinison. A very well written and a totally insightful look at this very funny man!

God Bless you Sam thanx for the laughs.

Wally 2005


Saturday, April 04, 2009

ReHash: Are You A Triple "A" Personality?

This look back is fer all the emails I got fer my recent posts on the economy and carbon taxes. Something I wrote way-back in early 2006.

Do you know what a triple "A" personality is? It stands for "Astoundingly Astute Asshole"! Or in layman's terms "F'n Asshole"!
Do people dislike you and ya can't figure out why? Do you at party's find yourself thinking: "I hate these shit-heads", "These people are fuck'n lame brains"? Do you have an answer to every one's problems, even when you don't care or don't think ya know the answer? Do you have a whole whack of unusable information? Do you know way to much info on world, celebrity and personal affairs? Do you have perfect recall? Do you have an answer to unanswerable questions? When lectured at school. or work, can you repeat verbatim what the person just taught you? Is da wife's nick-name for you, "Asshole"? Do you have a blog?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions you are a "AAA" person! So ya guessed it. Da Wallycrawler is a total triple "A" person! I'm that guy. I'm the guy people run away from after 10 min. of meeting him. Unless your drunk or stoned, then I'm your God! I've had drunk gals and guys say;:"Man I always thought you where a dick, man your so f'n cool"! Then the next day, after sobering up, avoid me like the plague. This is to say ya don't have to be smart to be "AAA". Fuck I'm not that's for sure! Ya just have to be... kind'a different. The way my brain works is waaaay different than other people's brain's work.

The only person I can think of who is just like this and most people would know is "Cliff Clavin" of "Cheers" fame. Ya know the TV show in the 80's? Just thinking about that character puts shivers down the backs of every normal person. Not me I related to him. Could you imagine relating to this guy? It's not that he's a bad guy, it's just that he's so fuck'n annoying . That "no-it-all fucker" at the end of the bar. The guy people ask questions of, get the answer from and then roll their eyes. Some of the time the advise is shear utter crap. Some of the time it's just mind numbing drivel. But most of the time it's right on ! So here's the real problem being this guy. (((ALL PEOPLE HATE THE TRUTH!))) Or at least the truth as I know it. I'm the go too guy at work. I have customers and managers come to me every day to fix their problems, or get answers to their projects. I know, you do at your work too! Not at the extent it happens to me though. When I give them the answer, they fuck'n hate it! It's right every time, but they fuck'n hate it! The response is: " That's not what I was told". Or: "Can't I do it this way"? My response usually is: "Well no you can't , that's not the right way". Or. "No that's against code". They hate that reason the most, cause they can't argue against something they don't know about . I can , I'm triple "A" remember? If you pretend to know something I know about, Which is everything, (((LOOK OUT!))) Most people who are like that and argue with me are look'n for the cheap way out . Ya don't do that with me baby! I'll have buy'n everything in the fuck'n store! If you fuck with me I'll fuck with you twice as hard. I'm a total asshole remember? I can make a house inspector do somersaults and I have just fer fun! Customers who have had their plumbing licenses for years come to me for their answers. I don't have a plumbing licence and fucked if I want one. It's just I have total recall for lame fuck'd up shit. Now ask me my wife's friends name and I'm lost. That's the worst thing about being "Triple A", ya just don't care about anyone else. That could be a good thing too! I'm not bragging this is just some scenarios I've come up with (fuck-off asshole) . Why would I brag about plumbing or home improvement? I hate the shit! It bores me to tears.
Now comes the time as why I wrote this post: First I came out to all of you because I know, you know, I'm an asshole. I came out to help all my "AAA" friends and family, it's usually genetic ya know? I came out so people like me will come out and embrace their "assholedom". Please people if you are an asshole come out, come out now. Tell your family and friends, (they already know anyway). Tonight before bed, look in the mirror and ask yourself am I a triple "A" personality? When you come to terms with it, go to your computer and make a comment on my blog. I can help you asshole. I will give you guidance with coming to terms of you be'n a total asshole.
If you know your a no-it-all asshole, here's my best advise to you right now... "KEEP YOUR FUCK'N MOUTH SHUT YOU FUCK'N ASSHOLE"!

OK, OK...I know, I know. That's not what a true triple "A" personality is. It's a highly intelligent, highly organized, highly motivated person . Einstein was a "AAA" personality. Give it a brake will ya? it's just a f'n story. Fuck! What a fuck'n asshole you are !!!

Enuff said. Good Night My Little Assholes All Over Da World .
From Da Wallycrawler .

P.S. A "Cliff Calvinism", not to be confused with da other form of "Calvinism"...

"The Buffalo Theory": As told to Norm Peterson, the beer loving, heavyweight bar stool sitting, perpetual patron on Cheers. Cliff expounds his "Theory" to his beer soaked friend. “Well, you see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it’s the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”