Friday, July 28, 2006

Kid Stuff "Redux" .

I've never been crazy enough to jump Niagara Falls on a "Jet Ski" , but I can see what he was trying to do . Here's something from "The Way Back Machine" . Something I wrote last year . Hope ya enjoy...

Do you ever push the limit ? When you were young did you do dangerous things ? Are you lucky to be alive ? I am ! And I'm bigger for it !
When I was a kid I did some crazy stunts , they give me the chills just thinking about them . At four years old my family joined a troupe of vagabonds in a traveling carnival . We would go to different State & County fairs all over the east coast . Ontario , Michigan , New York , Ohio , Pennsylvania ...all over .
My first stunt was at a Ohio County fair , [dunno which one ] but they had prize pigs . Big f'n pigs ! I would climb in the pen with dem hogs jump on their backs and ride those fuckers all around . I was a " Pig Rider Extraordinaire " ! My daughter loves this story . " My Dad rode pigs "! Doesn't sound to dangerous does it ? I didn't think so either . Until my Dad found out . He bitch slapped me some hard . Seems that hogs don't like being ridden much and they like the taste of little children . Dad told me if I'd had fallen off there was a good chance them pigs would have torn me apart , eaten me bones and all , within minutes . Ewwww. Scared the fuck out of me because I rode those guys for days and nobody knew . I went back the next day just to show I could do it again but the farmers had taken them home . Crazy !

In Ontario Canada we meet up with a true stunt show "The Hell Driver's ". If you were lucky enough to see these guys , you know what a great a show they put on . Cars crashing , motorcycles jumping , fiery hoops , real cool stuff ! Now my sister was kind of cute , young , but cute . So the guys would always want to show off and take her for a ride . "Hey girl want to go for a ride around the track "? Me , being the "kid brother" and always being at her side . "No but you can take my brother Wally , he'll go ". I'm sure this is not what he had in mind but he went along with it . " OK Wally . You wanna go "? " YOU BET " ! Picture a four year old kid in a stunt car , no helmet , hitting a ramp , as the car goes up on two wheels and drives around a dirt track . Fun! Ya great fun til my Dad found out . I think that guy was lucky to get out of that alive ! My Dad was a tough cookie with a brown belt in Judo and blistering temper . Luckily sis took a liking to the driver! Her and Mom begged Dad not to kill the "Hell Driver" .
At the midway I was the King . "THE KING OF THE MIDWAY"was my name . I'd walk down "Broadway" & the "Carneys" would say "HEY KING"! No shit I was king , the gang really watched out for me . I'd even run some of the kiddie rides ! At night if I didn't want to go to bed the guys would hide me on the Ferris wheel , sometimes I'd fall asleep on the floorboards of the wheel as it went round & round . I think that was dangerous ? Ya think ? Anyhoo.. I never kicked the thrills.
I was lucky enough that my Father was a good provider for our family . He had a lot of disposable cash . To my Dad all cash was disposable . Dad would buy us snowmobiles , motorcycles , horses etc.... After our "Carney" experience Dad and Mom bought a go-cart track . My sister was a fearless racer . She would race the men and beat the shit out of them every time . She would drive a cart "full out" around that track . I loved watching people's reactions when she'd climb out of that cart . Mouths open , jaws drop as a 4ft. tall girl smoked them on a race cart . I would watch her and afterwards I'd drive that cart . Man I wished I was old enough to race ! Dad lost the track so I never got to race , but I know I could have torched those asshole too ! When I was ten years old I jumped a minibike over a 3' tall x 5' long lumber pile [ no helmet ] . I made it but I busted the front forks in half . Oooh , the kids in the neighborhood thought I was cool ...or crazy ...or both . My Dad thought it was stupid and slapped me in the head . Needless to say that minibike was no more , he gave it away .
At eleven years old my Dad bought me my first horse . I 'd had a few ponies before . She was a former race horse . Man could that mare could run . Fast man ! Real fast ! Although she was a thoroughbred circuit horse she was very kind , she had the disposition of a good mother & I know she loved me . I guess your think'n how I know this ? For the simple fact that I really didn't have the strength to hold her . If she wanted to she could have dump me anytime . She was a real sweet ride . If you have never been on a thoroughbred going full out , it's a unbelievable ride ! It's wild ! There's nothing out there that's as much of a "RUSH" ! I've chased that feeling many times from bungee jumping to driving a motorcycle at 150mph. Believe me there's nothing out there ! The sound of the horse snorting , the wind in your ears . The feeling of the horse smoothing out , like your floating , up & down , up & down. Hands clinched , bent forward , it's head close to yours . You become in-sync with the animal , focused . The adrenaline pumps like crazy ! After a hard ride your eyes are like saucers . "AMAZING" ! Again no helmet , ever . Lucky !
One of my stunts that failed was when I fell off a roof , 10 ft. up , head first, right on my bike's spokes . The bikes spokes cushioned the blow . I spent a week in the hospital with a concussion . Should have worn a helmet that day ! The reason I was on the roof ? I was setting off fireworks in a old mill . Now that's super crazy !!! Ever seen a dust explosion... woooosh ! I'm lucky that didn't go up in flames . I'm not a thrill seeker and I wont pretend to be one , but I try to live my life to the fullest . I've been blessed . Blessed to live a full life & not been seriously hurt ! I shutter sometimes at my actions . Why did I do those things , why do I want to do more of them & why I didn't go to jail ?! Some guys are always chasing a "RUSH" . "A way to feel alive ". Hopefully my next adventure will be just as memorable . Some people don't even remember their early childhood , mine is as vivid as yesterday and I'm just touching what I've done . I wouldn't change any of those experiences . except the concussion !!! Remember Play Safe ! Your Helmet Wear'n Wallycrawler

Thursday, July 20, 2006

I Feel So Foolish...

Toby Reminded Me About Jessica Alba . How Could I forget About The Hottest Star In The Business ? I'm Slip'n In My Old Age . Or It Could Be That I Was Sick The Day I Started This On Tuesday . I Think It Was The Latter ! Anyway Here's The "Hottest Bod" In Hollywood ...

Dee End Da Wallycrawler .

Monday, July 17, 2006

Who Do I Find Attractive ?

At work da guys and I play : "Who do ya find hot" ? We think of all kinds of female celebrities and if ya can stump the guys , by naming a "starlet" nobody knows ? "Who , who , oh ya dat chick" ! This game always fun and a good time waster , especially when women play with us . Then it becomes ,"how do we disgust da gals" ! We wink at each other and name porn stars , drug addled semi-stars or celebrity pigs . "Paris Hilton" ! "Whitney Huston" ! "Savannah Samson" ! The girls always have the same thing to say , "Who , Savannah who? Ewww. Your sick " ! Or "You think Whitney is hot , did you see her lately" ?

So here is the "Hottest Celebrity / Star" . You can add to it in the comments and I'll post the pictures .

1) Virginia Madsen . From The Film "Sideways" . I've Had The Hots For Her Since Her Performance In The Movie "The Hot Spot" !

So sez da Wallycrawler...

Die Murane Chooses Kate Beckinsale .

I See Your Kate And Raise Ya Sarah Michelle Gellar .

So Sez Da Wallycrawler...

OK Toby Has A Chick . There Is No Way Toby Gets This Game ! Man Does This Guy Have Problems Or Has The Best Sense Of Humor I've Ever Seen !

OK I'm Next . Toby's Was Weak , But Very Funny ! I Raise Ya The Obvious Lindsay Lohan.

So Sez Da Wallycrawler...

Da Blond Gal In V.B. Likes Them Stacked With Hot Lips So She Picked Scarlet Johansen . A Very Sweet Choice I Must Say , Someone Who Was On My List .

So Da Crawler Must Collate This a Tad To One Up Blondie . This Will Be Hard . In More Ways Than One ! HEHE...

OK This Was Hard , "Was" Is The Appropriate Word . I Had To Go In My "Way-Back" Machine , But I Have Da Perfect Woman . Horny , Hot , Tall, Legs That Reach The Sky , Someone Different Than Any Of The Last Women Chosen . Hey If Ya Change The Last Letter in Her Last Name It Expresses My Feelings Exactly . I Give Ya Angie Everhart .

So Sez Da Wallycrawler...

Les Likes Heather Locklear , Me Too ! But I think I Can One Up Dat "Cougar" ! Hang On...

My Friend Over At Crallspace gave Me A Suggestion . We Need Women Of Hispanic Flavor . Well Being Of Latino Blood , My Grandmother Was From Panama , I'm All Over That ! So Here She Is . Da Woman With "Da Bootylicious Azz"...Shakira !!!

So Sez Da Wallycrawler...

Hey Toby Came Back With A "Blast From Da Past" ! Nice Too ! Dawn "Mary Ann" Wells . Hey Who Da Fuck Thought "Ginger" Was Hot With Her Around ?

So Sez Da Wallycrawler...

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Re Hash : Kill Da Dam Gophers !

What can I say about this next post except , I still think it's funny . Not because I think I'm funny or witty , OK a bit , but because it was my first negative feedback and because I got some nasty e-mails . Who knew "fat ass gophers" could read as well as swing a little club at a little ball . Most golfers can't take the truth about their game , what damage it does to our environment and how ridiculous they look playing it . In the last month , in Ontario Canada , all residents can't use certain forms of pesticides and fertilizers on our lawns . Guess who's exempt to these laws ? You got it GOLF COURSES ! That's fuck'n nuts ! We can have weeds and ants on our lawns , but not their precious golf courses . They're OK !? Pollute away ! It doen't matter that they are built on aquifers , kill green spaces and wet lands . Needless to say I haven't changed my opinion about the "game" of golf . It's still a game for "stogie smoke'n fat cats" and their "wanna bee ass kissers" ! Have at it dick-weeds .

I still wish you death , die you yuppie scum ! Die on that shit hole you built !

I am a regular guy . I love sports male & female alike , but I don't get golf . Man is there a more pompous or arrogant game than golf . I said game because golf is a game not a sport . A sport takes physical ability , mental ability , strength , hand eye coordination , & sense . "Sense" being key . Golf has none but one of these criteria hand eye coordination . So it's classed as a game it's that simple . Sorry "Flogers" ! I just love listening to these yuppie bastards talking about Tiger Woods "He's such a great athlete"! Give me a break "athlete" Woods ?!? Only in this day & age do we class golfers as athletes . No wonder the kids of today are fat & lazy , our athletes are goomers . Have you ever been to a golf course , big fat cats with stogies in their mouths , big guts hanging over their belts , to tight shirts stretched to the limit , fat asses , short legged creeps sauntering down a fairway moaning & groaning at the slightest effort . "Please Jesus let there be a plague & this plague to effect all people who breath gases from Killex & cut grass"! "Please let them drop dead mid-swing" ! I think the world would be better off . I know you think I'm full of shit but I'm not ! I worked in water treatment for years . Golf courses are major polluters . I have seen whole town's water tables drop when a golf course has been built . Some have changed so badly that town folk have to put in all kinds of filter treatments . Softeners , iron filters , reverse osmosis , carbon blocks , high E resin filters ...etc . Hey good for my business , not good for "OUR" future . There was one course that cut off a moraine . That wasn't good , but who cares ? Not dem fat cats ! Nor the politicians ! You know what, no one cared except a couple of scientists on the west coast . They warned us that if that water source is cut off it will effect cities not only a rural community . They built it anyway & guess what else a large subdivision . NICE !
I can see it now , a real estate agent trying to sell his new clients on a piece of prime land . " Now Mr. & Mrs. Pieceoshit when you look out your fabulous terrace you'll see the 18th. green". " "My god Milton , Isn't that Dr. Assman having a heart attack " ! " Yes it is Clarisse , dam he only had a 3' putt to make Parr "!!! Sa Again Wallycrawler

Monday, July 10, 2006

Wallycrawler's Must See Movies For 2006

This has been the weakest year I can remember , ever , for quality movies . Of all the films I have seen , only one can I actually say was good .

Hard Candy : The primus of this movie creeped me out a bit , it's a slightly disturbing film at the start . A young girl meets a older man on a Internet chat room and agrees to meet him at a coffee shop . Ya your stomach kind'a drops , but wait this young thing maybe not as innocent as she seems . There is a lot of plot twists in this thriller and should keep you entertained right to the end .

Three : The best movie poster . I haven't seen this B movie yet , but I wanna !

Here's the list of films I want to see this summer :

Leonard Cohen ; I'm Your Man : A documentary on the singer , songwriter , poet , icon , and swordsman .

The Notorious Betty Page : I dunno how "Notorious" Betty Page was , I think she was more of a wreck-lose , than "Notorious" ! If I was renaming this film I'd call it "What Ever Happened To Betty Page ? " Or "The Mystery Of Betty Page " Both better titles , I think . But who cares ? I wanna see this movie about the famous cat fighter and "boner gal" .

America Freedom To Fascism : Another documentary . This one's about the erosion of civil liberties in America since the 1900's .

John Tucker Must Die : Betty Thomas is the most under-rated director in Hollywood . I've read this will be her best comedy . That's high praise from the director of "Private Parts , The Brady Bunch Movie , 28 Days and The Late Shift" .

Snakes On A Plane : OK I'm intrigued ! This is the best marketed movie ever to hit the Internet since "Blair Witch Project" . If all the chatter works and this movie goes through the roof , and it will , look for more marketing through blogs and chat sites .

A Funny Thing : How does a 250 million dollar movie be considered a flop ? Just ask Tom Cruise . Mission Impossible III still hasn't recouped the money spent on making it and marketing that "piece'o'shit" . The only way I'd ever see that "celluloid feces" is on download . I hope The Church Of Scientology loses their shirts on this "shit-stain" on the screen .

Saturday, July 01, 2006

I'm Fucked !

I need a little support here .
This week was my 4th wedding anniversary . It was also my wife's birthday . Now you'd think I'd remember those things , considering they also fall on the same date June 29th ? But noooo ! Guess what I forgot ! I woke up on Thursday rolled over and saw my wife standing beside the bed , "Hi honey , happy anniversary" ! " Ahh Ya happy anniy...ah and happy birthday hon..." . She looked into my eyes and gave me a big kiss . That's not all she had a card , for me ! The flop sweat hit me hard ."Hey beautiful I didn't have time to pick-up anything so I'll do it today , K sweetie" ? Have you ever felt a card rifled at you from a pissed off woman ? Believe me it 'smarts' ! Man can that woman swear , oh curses I've never uttered ! But the one she always came back to was "ASSHOLE" !

I get that a lot , from my best friends , to people I barely know . I'm known as the "Asshole" ! I used to take great offense to it , I'd pound the shit out'a anyone who ever spoke that compound word to me ! Now I wear it as a badge . "A Badge Of Honour" !

RE Hash : Are You A Triple 'A' Personality ?

Do you know what a triple A personality is ? It stands for Astoundingly Astute Asshole ! Or in layman's terms amazing witty dick !

Do people dislike you and ya can't figure out why ? Do you at party's find yourself thinking "I hate these shit-heads" , "These people are fuck'n lame brains" ? Do you have an answer to everyone's problems , even when you don't care or don't think ya know the answer ? Do you have a whole whack of unusable information ? Do you know way to much info on world , celebrity , and personal affairs ? Do you have perfect recall ? Do you have an answer to unanswerable questions ? When lectured at school or work can you repeat verbatim what the person just taught you ? Is "da wife's" nick-name for you , "Asshole" ? Do you have a blog ? If you answered yes to any or all of these questions you are a AAA person !

So ya guessed it ! Da Wallycrawler is a total triple A person ! I'm that guy or gal ! I'm the guy people run away from after 10 min. of meeting him . Unless your drunk or stoned , then I'm your God ! I've had drunk gals and guys say , "Man I always thought you where a dick , man your so f'n cool" ! Then the next day , after sobering up , avoid me like the plague . This is to say ya don't have to be smart to be AAA , [ fuck I'm not that's for sure !] ya just have to be "kind of different" . The way my brain works is waaaay different than other peoples brains work . The only person I can think of who is just like this and most people would know is "Cliff Clavin" of "Cheers" fame [ ya know the TV show in the 80's ]. Just thinking about that character puts shivers down the backs of every normal person . Could you imagine relating to this guy ? I related to him . It's not that he's a bad guy , it's just that he's so fuck'n annoying . The no-it-all fucker . The guy people ask questions of , get the answer from and then roll their eyes . Some of the time it's shear utter crap . Some of the time it's just mind numbing drivel . Most of the time it's right on ! So here's the real problem being this guy . "ALL PEOPLE HATE THE TRUTH" ! Or at least the truth as I know it .

I'm the go too guy at work . I have customers and managers come to me every day to fix their problems or get answers to their projects . I know , at your work too ! Not at the extent it happens to me though . When I give them the answer , they fuck'n hate it ! It's right , but they fuck'n hate it ! The response is " That's not what I was told" , or "Can't I do it this way" ? "Well no you can't , that's not the right way" or "No that's against code" . They hate that reason the most , cause they can't argue against something they don't know about . I can , I'm Triple A ! If you pretend to know something I know about [ everything ] LOOK OUT . Most people who are like that are look'n for the cheap way out . Not with me I'll have buy'n everything in the fuck'n store ! If you fuck with me I'll fuck with you twice as hard , I'm a total asshole ! I can make a house inspector do somersaults and I have ! Customers who have had their plumbing licenses for years come to me for their answers . I don't have a plumbing licence and fucked if I want one . It's just I have total recall for lame fuck'd up shit . Now ask me my friend's wife's name and I'm lost . That's the worst thing about being Triple A , ya just don't care about anyone else . That could be a good thing too , remember I'm AAA ! I'm not bragging this is just some scenarios [ fuck-off ass ] . Why would I brag about plumbing or home improvement ? I hate the shit! It bores me to tears .

Now it comes the time why I wrote this post . I came out to you all because I know , you know I'm an asshole . I came out to help all my AAA friends and family [ it's usually genetic ] . I came out so people like me will come out and embrace your "assholedom" . Please people if you are an asshole come out , come out now . Tell your family and friends [ they already know anyway ] . Tonight before bed look in the mirror and ask yourself am I an AAA ? When you come to terms with it , go to your computer and make a comment in my blog . I can help you ! I will give you guidance with coming to terms to being a asshole . If you know your a no-it-all asshole , here is my best advise "KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT YOU FUCK"N ASSHOLE" ! Enuff said . Good Night My Little Assholes From Da Wallycrawler .

"I know , I know that's not what a real triple A personality is . It a highly intelligent highly organized , highly motivated person . Einstein was a AAA . Give it a brake will ya , it's just a story . Fuck ! What a fuck'n asshole you are" !!!

"The Flaming Lips" are for my wife . This song always makes her cry . She kissed me and thanked me !
That's another good thing about being an 'AAA' , You'll always find a way out've it !