Friday, April 10, 2009

Da Gospel Accord'n To Da Guy In Da Black Hat.

So some people believe Judas Iscariot was a wronged man eh? That's surprising especially if he was the man writing the scripts. Who'd have thunk it? "Hey Judas ya just turned in da "Son 'O' God what ya gonna do now"? ((("I'm go'n to Disney World "!))) "Then Kill Myself".

It's Funny that every year around this time, Good friday and Easter, some amazing document comes along proving Jesus was not the Son 'O' God. This time it's Judas's turn.

Well, as ya all know? I'm one of da lucky ones. I have da power to talk with the dead. I've interviewed some of history's greatest and most infamous men. I've chatted with Hitler, dined with Lennon, (John, da other one's a total asshole!). Shared tea with Belushi...on and on... As some of you are aware. I've had da pleasure of talking to Judas before. But... As of last night, he wouldn't answer any of my calls. He's still mad that I told everyone about his gay romance with Jeffrey Dahmer.

So here's my old interview with Judas. This is an old transcript so some of the interview is kinda disjointed, but I think you'll get his message?

Wallycrawler : Hey Jude! How ya do'n buddy?

Judas: "I wish I could say better Wally. Last night Genghis Ghan and Joe Stalin double anal raped me again"! "That fuck'n Stalin all he wants ta do is fist fuck, fist fuck, fist fuck. That stuff never gets old ta him".

Wally: Oww! OK then... Tell me what's Hell is like Jude?

Judas : "You'll find out Wally"! "Just kidd'n". "Your OK bud". "Ya know endless suffering, pain, da heat is fuck'n murder and of coarse ya get fuck'd in every orifice". "I was once fornicated by a bull in my urethra" !

Wally: WOW I bet that smarts!

Judas: "Ya"!

Wally: Judas what happened on that last night with Jesus? Why did you turn the Messiah into Ponchus Pilot?

Judas : (obviously nervous) "Ya see? Jesus wanted to be turned in man"! "He wanted ta die on dat cross, OK?.... Right, that's it`OK". "Ya that resurrection thing? Didn't hap'n man..See see"? "I know cause I was dare, brotha". "Yup dat's it"! "Some guys think I off'd me-self before dat, nope"! "I waited til I seen me work"...

"Ya he wasn't da messiah anyhow, he was a, a... a carpenter, see? And a shitty one at dat"! " Did ya ever see that stereo stand he made me"? "Fuck'n sux"!

Wally: So Jesus wanted to be turned in to the authorities? OK I see! Why?

Judas: "Fame Man, Fame"! "Dat guy was all about da fame, see"! "He makes Geraldo look like Gandhi"! "He had all da boys (apostles I guess) write good stuff about him, man" . "Like he could, like walk on water and stuff like dat dare"!

Wally: Anyway he wanted to die so he'd be famous?

Judas : "Ya man sure. Da fame Dude"! "What a fuck'n ego he's got"!

Wally: If that is true why are you in hell? How come your not in heaven? All the other apostles are now saints and they have the number one best selling book in the last 2000 years? Except for "Private Parts" of coarse!

Judas: "Hey man I fuck'd up man"! "I went and killed me-self". " If I didn't do that , see , I'd be da frig'n Messiah". "Ya I'd be the Messiah. an Jesus would be a faded memory, that's it"! "Fuck man, if I didn't off me-self I'd be God`s boy, ya that's da ticket!

"I've read Private Parts and dat guy's gonna get fisted too"! "Satan can't wait til gets his hooves on dat guy"!

Wally: Is there any evidince out there to prove you were doing what God and Jesus wanted?

Judas: "Yup, about 400 years after I croaked some monks wrote some way-out scripture proving I was a cool dude".

Wally: How would that prove you were righteous?

Judas: "What da fuck ya want with me Fuck-Head"? " If you just find dat papayas, da answers are dare, see"?

Wally: OK...OK... I'll pass that info along! One last question Jude, what did you do with the gold you received?

Judas: "Whores man! Whores and loads of booze"! "Dat Jesus guy wouldn't ever let us get laid man"! ``He was hung up on sex dude``.

Wally: Well I hope it was all worth it to you?

That was my interview with Judas Iscariot, former apostle, crude folk hero and all`round rat-bastard.

For transcripts see below.

Thank You The Wallycrawler .

3 Don't Just Sit There Say Sumthin !:

The Phosgene Kid said...

I heard the tomb was empty because the disciples couldn't afford to pay the rent,it got repossessed, and Jesus's remains got the boot. I've heard they're in Peter's storage locker in Old Jerusalem somewhere.

Ice said...

Happy Easter :)

Shoooooooooooooow me tha bunnnnnnnnnnny!

wallycrawler said...

Happy Easter everyone!

Have a great family day. Enjoy the simple things, they are what will be remembered.

Love ya guys.